If you’re married or in a serious relationship, listen up.
Tony DeLorenzo said he knows how to tell if a person is cheating and how to catch him or her in the act.
A private investigator for more than 25 years, DeLorenzo runs the Freehold, N.J.-based firm All State Investigations and the site www.infidelity.com.
DeLorenzo, whose company handles infidelity investigations nationwide, teamed up with his wife, Dawn M. Ricci, to write the workbook “28 Tell-Tale Signs of a Cheating Spouse.” DeLorenzo, 49, talked about some of those signs, what you can do if you spot them and how to have a healthy relationship.
Of All Your Cases, Can You Tell Me About One In Particular That Was The Most Interesting?
We see a lot of people who fool around with their spouse’s best friend. Say a woman has a girlfriend.
[The two women] usually look similar and they usually have the same goals and the same activities. They have a lot in common. If a guy’s having trouble with his wife and her girlfriend is there, she might test the waters and say, “If I had a husband like you, I’d treat him right.”
If a guy picks up on this, he might say “Let’s take the next step.”
Here’s The Question On Everyone’s Minds: Exactly What Are Some Signs Your Partner Might Be Cheating?
The top one is working overtime and unaccountable hours.
What happens is that they [clients] come in and say “On Tuesdays and Thursdays my husband always works late, but only on Thursdays he can’t be reached on his cell phone and there’s an additional 18 miles on his odometer.”
But Even If You’re Married To Someone, Isn’t Keeping Track Of His Or Her Hours And Checking The Odometer Somewhat An Invasion Of Privacy?
I don’t want people to have to find out where their loved one is every minute. If you’re not having [marital] problems, none of this pertains to you.
How Can You Prevent Cheating? If A Woman’s Husband Is Friends With Or Works With A Beautiful Woman, But He’s A Good Man, Should She Not Have To Worry?
Always keeping your guard up is what anyone should do. You know when you’re having problems.
The more problems you’re having, the more your guard’s going to go up.
Guys or women who have too much free time are ones who get into trouble.
Is The Saying “once A Cheater, Always A Cheater” True?
Some people get into affairs that just happen. You don’t just wake up and say “I’m having an affair today.”
Some people are caught between a rock and a hard place. When those people get caught, they’re really sorry. Those are the ones for whom marriage can usually heal and go on.
Then there are people who have problems in their marriages and say there’s a void. Even though you might catch that person with someone else, when they come back to that relationship and you can’t solve what the problem is, the void is going to be there again and they’re again going to go out and try to fill the void. Then there are the ones who are just habitual cheaters, the real players. At parties, they’re often the guys who are popular and flirting with all the women.
You Mention Excessive Internet Use As A Sign Someone’s Cheating. What Do You Consider “excessive?”
A couple of hours a night or more for males or females. Women are usually in chat rooms. They’re looking for emotional support. Women cheat for emotion. Men are usually on the porn sites or the sex sites. You know, “Married but want to cheat.”
But Isn’t It Normal For A Guy To Look Up, Shall I Say, “questionable” Material On The Web Once In A While? I Mean, Women Are Never Going To Be Able To Get Rid Of Porn, Correct?
I think looking at porn is not a problem. It’s the ones who are looking at the escort services or “married but want to cheat.” Those are the guys who are looking for some action.
So Pornography Isn’t Cheating Then?
You can look at porn as art. If you’ve got something like Playboy, that’s more like art than the raw stuff.
What About Flirting?
Flirting is not cheating. I think flirting sometimes is just rude to the person you’re with.
We’ve Talked About All The Signs Someone Is Cheating. What Are The Signs Someone Is In A Healthy Relationship?
I think a healthy relationship is a lot of communication, always doing things together, going out as a couple and giving each other alone time.
Can You Explain The Importance Of Alone Time? Women Are Always Hearing Men Say They Need More Alone Time.
Alone time isn’t being with the guys in the bar on a Friday night. My alone time is once a month I drive to the casinos and play 10 to 12 hours of high stakes poker. But my wife knows where I am and what I’m doing.
Any Other Advice For Couples?
Do the simple things. Yesterday, I went to the grocery store to pick something up for dinner and bought a bouquet of flowers for a couple of dollars. My wife might come home some night and I’ll have wine, cheese and crackers sitting out for her.