The difference between sex and death
is that with death you can do it alone
and no one is going to make fun of you.
- Woody Allen
Men can read maps better than women, because only the male mind could conceive of one inch equaling one hundred miles.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people.
Between five, it's fantastic.
- Woody Allen
True love is the willingness to compromise.
You agree to cut back on red meat.
She agrees that beer is a vegetable.
- Weldon Gaines
I said to my wife, 'Come on, honey. I can't remember the last time we made love.'
She says, 'Well I can - and that's why we're not.'
- Rodney Dangerfield
If a man is talking in the woods and no woman hears him...
is he still wrong?
I asked my wife if she'd love me when I was old and useless.
She said, "Of course I do"
- Rodney Dangerfield
I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They have experience pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner
Most men would rather find Nazi literature laying around a woman's house than Bride magazine.
- Comedian Jerry Seinfeld insists men don't like the planning that goes into weddings.
What counts is not how many animals were killed to make the fur,
but how many animals the woman had to sleep with to get the fur.
- Angela LaGreca
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
- Rodney Dangerfield
I always wanted to be the last guy on earth,
just to see if all those women were lying to me.
- Ronnie Shakes
Penguins mate for life. Which doesn't really surprise me, 'cause they all look exactly alike. Its not like they're gonna meet a better-looking penguin someday.
- Ellen DeGeneres
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling. But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.
As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.
He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her.
He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"
"Yes, was his reply."
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."
A good friend is like a good bra:
Hard to find, very comfortable, supportive, holds you up when you are down and always close to the heart.
They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce.
That's not as bad as it sounds, considering that the other 50% end in death.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
A man and a woman are standing at a cocktail party when the woman remarks, "You know, you look just like my third husband."
"How many times have you been married?" asks the man.
Twice," replies the lady.
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
"Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."
"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings."
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
"When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more."
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day."
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
HER DIARY - FRIDAY 21st June 2002.
Saw John in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so I thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.
He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else.
I cried myself to sleep.
HIS DIARY - FRIDAY 21st June 2002.
England lost to Brazil 2-1. Got a shag though.
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5,000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5,000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5,000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money.
He finally decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
Cats do what they want, when they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
They whine when they are not happy.
When you want to play they want to be left alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They leave their hair everywhere.
They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.
"Marriages are made in heaven.
so are thunder, lightning, tornados and hail."
A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend he night with him for $500. So, they spent the night together. In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed a note:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied;
2. There was plenty of heat;
3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.
"Great, just what I need,"
she moaned as he brought home a new microwave oven.
"One more thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds."
Q: Why can't a man be both good looking and intelligent?
A: Since that would make him a woman.
According to a new study, men cry on the average of once a month. Gee, I wonder what time of the month that would be...
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like having you around.
A three year old boy in his bath examined his testicles and asked,
"Mommy, are these my brains?"
Mom said, "Not yet, honey."
Young son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in most countries, son."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
Life isn't fair to men, When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers. When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity. When we die, our widows get the life insurance and winters in Florida. What do women want to be liberated from?
The other day, Ray asked April what she liked best about him.
"Is it my firm, stong body, or my wise intellect?" He asked.
"Your sense of humor, dear" was her reply.
A couples happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma. For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding. Finally the old girl died.
On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years."
His wife looked at him aghast. "My Aunt Emma!" she cried, "I thought she was your Aunt Emma!"
She married him because he was such a "strong man".
She divorced him because he was such a "dominating male."
He married her because she was so "fragile and petite."
He divorced her because she was so "weak and helpless."
She married him because "he knows how to provide a good living."
She divorced him because "all he thinks about is business."
He married her because "she reminds me of my mother."
He divorced her because "she's getting more like her mother every day."
She married him because he was "happy and romantic."
She divorced him because he was "shiftless and fun-loving."
He married her because she was "steady and sensible."
He divorced her because she was "boring and dull."
She married him because he was "the life of the party."
She divorced him because "he never wants to come home from a party."
If you want someone who will do anything to please you, get a dog.
If you want someone who will bring you the newspaper without tearing through it first for the sports page, get a dog.
If you want someone who'll make a total fool of himself because he's so glad to see you, get a dog.
If you want someone who eats whatever you put in front of him and never says his mother made it better, get a dog.
If you want someone who's always eager to go out any time you ask and anywhere you want to go, get a dog.
If you want someone who can scare away burglars without waving a lethal weapon around, endangering you and all the neighbors, get a dog.
If you want someone who never touches the remote, couldn't care less about Monday Night Football, and watches dramatic shows with you as long as you want, get a dog.
If you want someone who'll be content just to snuggle up and keep you warm in bed, and who you can kick out of bed if he slobbers and snores, get a dog.
If you want someone who never criticizes anything you do, doesn't care how good or bad you look, acts as though every word you say is worth hearing, never complains, and loves you unconditionally all the time, get a dog!
On the other hand...
If you want someone who never comes when you call him, totally ignores you when you walk in the room, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, prowls around all night and comes home only to eat and sleep all day, and acts as though you are there only to see that HE's happy... Get a CAT!
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market."
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5- story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor-by-floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
"Why isn't a man allowed to have more than one wife?"
"Because the law protects those who are incapable of protecting themselves."
They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage,
it is love : after marriage, it is self-defense.
A woman was telling her friend,
"It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him," asked the friend.
Woman replied, "A multi-millionaire."
One evening, a young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."
Donald works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks that he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Donnie, how ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Donald. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Donald if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser." "No, honey, she's in the Ladies' Bowling League. We share lanes with them." replies Donald. A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Donald. "Hi Donnie baby," she says. "Want your usual table dance?" Donald's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Donald follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Don."
First guy (proudly): "My wife is an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet the dedicated wife stayed by his bedside every single day.
When the husband finally came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As the wife sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me."
The husband continued, "When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck!"
Losing a wife can be hard.
In my case, it was damned near impossible.
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic. But, the fourth and youngest child is an ugly runt.
"My darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die. I will forgive you if ..."
The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
The wife yelled at her husband, "You're gonna be really sorry! I'm going to LEAVE you!"
He responded, "Make up your mind! Which one is it gonna be?"
My wife says I never listen to her.
At least I think that's what she said.
A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband. "After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the breakfast table and watched your husband drink it. Tell me, didn't you feel the slightest bit of pity for him?" the defense attorney prompted.
"Yes," she replied, "I think there was one moment when I felt sorry for him."
"And when was that?" asked the smug lawyer.
"When he asked for his second cup," replied the wife.
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
The husband was furious when he found out that the couple's joint checking account was empty. When he confronted his wife, she simply said, "It's my turn."
"What do you mean, 'your turn'?" yelled the husband.
"In bed," she explained, "you've been making early withdrawals for years. Now, it's my turn."
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But, she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"
Three bored soccer Mom's were sitting around before their kids' soccer game, discretely talking about their love lives. "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does," one woman boasted.
The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her Jamba Juice, then finally frowned and sighed, "I call my husband the postman. He always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."
A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the guy said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife.
Grandpa Melvin Cranston was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"I will tell you the secret of my success," he happily cackled. "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
And, Grandpa Melvin continued, "Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
"Dear, don't expect the first few meals to be great. It takes time to find the right restaurant."
A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise."
He continued, "I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're here or not."
A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks him what is wrong.
"Well," replied the groom, "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"
The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this, though. She gave me $20 change!"
The reception had ended and the newlyweds had just sneaked off to the romantic honeymoon resort. After supper and champagne, the groom retired to the bedroom.
But Bambi pulled a chair up to the balcony doors and sat there, gazing at the stars.
"Dear," asked the somewhat impatient husband. "Aren't you coming to bed?"
"No," Bambi announced. "My mother told me this was going to be the most beautiful night of my life, and I don't want to miss a single minute of it."
A man was in court for a double murder, and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You damned bastard!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt! Now is that a problem?"
The man at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years, I have lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer ... he said he never had one!"
Top Ten Male Professions and Why
1. Doctor. Because he says, "Take off your clothes."
2. Dentist. Because he says, "Open Wide."
3. Hairdresser. Because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown."
4. Milkman. Because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
5. Interior Decorator. Because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
6. Banker. Because he says, "If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest."
7. Police Officer. Because he says, "Spread 'em."
8. Mailman. Because he always delivers his package.
9. Pilot. Because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. Hunter. Because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice, and always eats what he shoots.
Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator to remind her of her goal. The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method.
The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds.
A man approached a beautiful young woman in a supermarket and asked, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."